The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
