mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am spending my child support on dildos
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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