Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
