I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
birth control should be required to get into college
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
