she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
