So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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