I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
