dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
