My entire life is one complicated drinking game
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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