My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
