Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
