Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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