You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
