Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
