I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
