I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
