If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
