I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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