the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
