Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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