My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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