Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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