God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
