Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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