it wasn't lemon gatorade
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
