Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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