I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
