You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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