After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
