she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
