I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
