drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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