I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
