Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
