Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
