Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
