He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
