i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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