Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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