I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
