your thong is hanging out like whoa
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
