so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
