I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
