Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
