When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
