New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
