there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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