I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
