he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you never un-have a 4some
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