yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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