Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
