Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
