fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
