YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
