Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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