I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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