i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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