Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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