So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
