So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
