mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
